Cynthia bought the huge red and white velvet cake into the dining room and slid it onto the table. Selena was turning 19 and finally
graduating from high school. Cynthia had watched her daughter crumble
and disappear right before her eyes 2 years prior. Selena would stay out
all hours of the night then come in so drunk and disoriented that she
barely remembered where she was that evening. She stopped hanging out
with her friends and locked herself up in her room, for days on in. Her
grades took a turn for the worst, causing her to fail and repeat her
junior year. Cynthia had never seen her daughter in such dismay and did
any and everything she could to help but Selena just kept pushing her
away.. Cynthia looked down at the cake and smiled. It was Selena's
absolute favorite. "Selena! Selena, come down here. I have something for
you.." She called out. A few seconds later, Selena came down the stairs
and into the dinning room. She looked at the cake and then at her
mother, unimpressed. "Selena, do you know what kind of cake that is..?"
Cynthia asked. "Red velvet." Selena answered. Cynthia sighed. "Mami you
love red velvet. It is your favorite." She pleaded. She stared at
Selena... Or this girl who was suppose to be Selena, who had fallen 30
pounds underweight, who had let her once long and beautiful hair, mat up
and tangle. She was looking for signs of her daughter, but she just
wasn't there. Selena didn't speak just turned to leave and go upstairs.
Cynthia grabbed Selena's shoulder. "Por favor mi hija.." Selena snapped
back around so quick it jilted her mother back a few inches. "Don't you
start with that SHIT! Didn't I tell you to never speak that shit to me
again!?" Selena warned. Cynthia was shocked at the force Selena had used
against her, but not surprised. "What has happened to you Selena! Just
tell me, I promise I won't be upset with you!" Cynthia cried out.
Something inside of Selena was finally trying to let go, trying to give
her freedom but Selena refused to watch it leave. "Upset with me!? You
got some nerve ma! You don't care about me! You aint never been there
for me! So don't act like you give a DAMN now!" Selena spat, tears
falling down her cheeks. Cynthia had no idea where these emotions were
coming from. Cynthia loved her daughter. They didn't always see eye to
eye but truly, Selena had been the best thing to ever happen to her.
"Selena I love you, do you understand that? You are the most precious
thing in my life..." Cynthia reassured. "Oh really!?" Selena protested,
wiping her tears. "Then why did you put me in that school... Huh? I was
young and I was different! I wasn't like them other kids and they hated
me for it! I got bullied and harassed every day! Where were you then?
A-and.. Why did you put me in them fucking Salsa dance classes!?? I HATE
Salsa! I kept twisting my ankle but you insisted I learn, but I didn't
wanna learn! I wanted to be myself ma but that shit was never good
enough for you! Where was your love then... " Selena
paused and began to shake, the tears were streaming now and that thing
that she was holding on too, for so long, finally released itself. "I
got raped ma!" Selena yelled angrily through her tears, "where the fuck were you then...?" Cynthia's heart
dropped.
For a moment there was nothing but silence in
the room.Cynthia was staring at Selena so intently, Selena felt
transparent. Her shame and guilt and disgust must have been clear as day
to see. So she turned to walk away. "Sit down." Cynthia spat, in a tone
so flat and serious, Selena had to turn around to make sure it was her
mother that had even said it. Selena expected her to repeat herself but
she didn't. Instead, Cynthia pulled out a chair and then sat in one
herself. Selena sat across from her mother at the kitchen table. The red
velvet cake was the only pleasant thing between them. Selena began to
speak but Cynthia raised her hand to stop her. "There's something that I need to tell you." Selena looked at her like she was crazy. "Ma, I just told you got raped and you wanna..." "Your fathers name was
Clarence James. But everyone knew him as Oak." Cynthia recalled quietly, interrupting her daughter mid-sentence.
She continued, "He was as tall and as big as a tree but the real reason everyone
called him Oak was because, just like an Oak tree with all those long
and heavy roots, he kept the community together.. And he took care of
all of us." Selena was confused but this was the first time she had ever
heard her mother speak about her father. So she sat quietly -
listening and hanging on to Cynthia's every word. "When I met Oak, he
was well established in the drug game. He had been a driver for an old
OG by the name of Dee. When Dee had died, he passed it all down to Oak. A
lot of people thought he was too young to take over Dee's cartel, so a
couple of Harlem stick up boys came around this side and tried him. Oak
killed them both and put both those poor boys heads outside on 21st so
everyone could see..." Cynthia's voice began to shake. She cleared
her throat and continued. "I loved Oak the moment I saw him. I knew he
was el amor de mi vida." She smiled. "But my papa, who had just moved himself, along with your aunt Maria,
your grandmother and I out to New York from Puerto Rico, wanted us to
have a better life. He didn't see that happening with Oak. Or any black man for that matter." Cynthia
looked up at her daughter, who was staring right at her. She touched her
daughters face and caressed it. "You look just like him Selena." She
said before returning to her story. "Well.. I didn't care what my father
said. I wanted to be with Oak and he promised me the world and
everything in it. So my father packed our things and decided to move us
all back to Puerto Rico but I didn't go. I stayed here with Oak. Oak
took care of me for a while. We were living the life... partying,
traveling, you name it! But it didn't last long mami..." Cynthia sat up.
Selena mirrored her mother and sat up too. "When the 80's rolled
around, Oak like so many here in Brooklyn, got caught up in crack. I was
pregnant with you by this time and in desperate need of his help. But he
was so strung out. He had spent everything we had on that drug! Maldito
sea ese hombre al infierno!" Cynthia cried out. "Ma!" Selena
interjected. She had never heard her mother speak that way and it caught
her off guard. "I'm sorry Selena.." She sighed. "But this tale
get's so much more unfortunate..." Cynthia shook her head. "I was
living with a shell of the man I use to know. After I had you I put all
of my energy into you and some of what I could on taking care of that
man. One night... he had came busting through the door - Asking me about
money and what not, but I didn't have any to give. But he insisted that I
needed to give him some money right then and there. I shoo'ed him off
thinking he was on another one of his drug binges. At that moment, three
men came through the door with guns..." Cynthia's voice trailed off. "They demanded money from him. But he told them he didn't have it. He wanted to live... so he told them to take me instead." Selena gasped in disbelief. "They took their turns with me, one after another, after another..." Selena closed her eyes. She recalled what Anthony had done to her and began to realize why her mother had told her all of this. Cynthia began to cry. "I was only 23 years old Selena. 23. And the man that I thought I loved, who I laid my entire life down for, had let strangers come in my home and violate me. I never heard from Oak again after that. Truthfully, I hope he's dead." Cynthia wiped her eyes. "I became my father after that. An old bigot. And I resented you for having even a drop of him in your veins. So yes. I put you in all white school. I made you take salsa dance classes that I knew you hated. I wanted you to be anything but him. And if that meant anything but black, than so be it." Cynthia spat. Selena stood up and placed her hands above her head... trying to process all of the information she had obtained. Cynthia stood too, waiting for her daughter to say something. "I'm sorry for what I put you through Selena. But I am only human and only a mother who loves her daughter above all. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when that terrible person put his hands on you. But I promise from this moment on, that I'll always be by your side. Can we start over Selena?" Cynthia asked. Selena didn't speak, but instead raised her head to look at her mother, eyes heavy and wet, and nodded.
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